We all face challenges, tough times, moments that force us to choose to grow or choose to retreat into ourselves. It's been over 2 months since I've written my blog, certainly not because I gave up or suddenly became uninterested in sharing my story but pure and simple -- Life Happened.
At first it was as though a "Fairy Godmother" waived her magic wand and said "You can now eat whatever you want" Unrealistic I know, but something wonderful for me to behold in the face of my new distraction. Luckily, I was also able to see myself struggle with the thought of being able to eat everything I wanted or maintaining my course with my new found "freedom" at hand.
I'll be honest I had my days, consuming wonderful confections and delightfully prepared substances. On these days my ego seemed to say "WOO HOO, to HECK with the points and the exercise and my ultimate goal". Summer was here and my own personal party had started.
My life changed, a new, all be it desired- but given up path, was now placed on my path. My life had changed so I turned to food to comfort, reward and avoid the thoughts that were in my mind, the anxiety at hand, and the hole inside. Watching my husband continue along his weight loss journey, separating myself from both motivation and success. I stood delighted in the moment.
As it does, after several weeks of joy and celebration, life sent me a gift wrapped in ridiculous packaging. Darkness and sadness entered my ethereal bubble. Awestruck, my mind now clear of food, and everything else for that matter, I was faced with a new succession of lessons to learn, obstacles to overcome, and rising unresolved issues tucked in the corners, crevasses and cells of my body to think about, face, acknowledge and heal.
One step at a time, like clearing the clutter from an over packed room, I began to look at process and let go of these current demons facing me.
"Everything happens for a reason" was one phrase I heard often during my healing, alternated with "sometimes there is no reason" and "Sometimes bad things happen to good people". These last 2 offers paused me to think, offered in good meaning moments of comfort, yet they did not register in my body. I couldn't believe in either offer, as God gives us life, and gives us lessons. I have come to believe that one can either choose to learn these lessons, or play the victim.
So I have been learning numerous lessons these last few weeks as silence has befallen my blog. My weight loss has maintained itself, to my delighted surprise, I only gained less that 10 lbs these last few weeks.
So what have I learned in my silence:
I have learned to listen to my body to acknowledge my ego and to hear the words of my soul.
I have learned to let down the walls, to let other's in who offer love, acceptance and grace.
I have learned to be at peace with myself, that I don't always have to be turned on waiting for someone to "need me"
I have learned to love myself by letting go, by experiencing that which is meaningful to me and allowing other's to experience whatever is meaningful them.
Sometimes all we are meant to do is listen to the story and witness the happenings.
I have learned to be patient and gentle with myself. To allow myself the time to heal, and be at peace with myself.
Now I face the possibility of the future, the plan back in place, motivation returned.
I look forward to my nearest travels on my journey of life.
To the next bit of weight loss, the next mile walked, the next stretch.
I look forward to playing with Tori and Dave as my energy increases.
All we can do is uplift them, find someway to lift them up in the flow of love, find someway to do this for yourself.
Much love and thank you for taking the time to witness my story.