Thursday, May 27, 2010

Hello, Everyone,

I've been quiet for a few days, a quiet contemplation, a place that I go to look at my choices, to make decisions, to watch myself make a choice and wonder why I am making that choice, some people call it "living in my head" as I write this I am brought back to the reality of "living in my head" was exactly what I have been doing. My exercise has taken a vacation for about the last week, my food choices although still good, perhaps not the best for my body. But never the less, I keep moving forward, and losing weight, no matter how small, no matter what the number, I am happy to be that much less than I was 8 months ago.

Last week when I weighed in and sat through the meeting, someone asked with a few short minutes left in the meeting "why is it so hard?" These words resonated with me, but not as why is it so hard, more like why is it such a challenge? Answering her question in a mere few minutes was not possible, at least not for me, but if you will allow me to take this moment and answer this question now, I will share my thoughts on this matter. Life is the challenge, it is the joy, it is the pain, it is the laughter. Life is what takes us from point A to point B, without it, there is nothing. To face the challenge, to face the life, is what lights the fire, and what allows us to grow. With out the challenge, whatever it maybe, wether it's weight loss, or seperation or overcoming whatever you are facing, there is no growth, the soul sits still, goes stagnant, life begins to pass us by and we sit and wonder why. So is it hard, no, is it a challenge yes. A beautiful challenge.

So in this week as I sit, and sit and fight the walk, and fight the "healthy food" I have a new awareness being born inside of my soul, this time, it's not a forever break, it's a moment in time, and in the next moment my motivation will return, and the goal will be accomplished.

There is an ebb and a flow to everything, a cycle, sometimes the concentration is on work, sometimes on play, sometimes on bills, sometime on our to do lists.... I could go on, but you get the point. Step by step I am realizing and learning how to fit it in to my challenge, my goals.

60lbs down!!!! Woo Hoo!!!!

Love and Blessings,

Thank you for sharing this moment with me.


Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Learning to find the balance between losing weight, eating right, exercise, working, playing, cleaning house, etc. etc. etc. is certainly a challenge. Some weeks a greater challenge then others. In the midst of finding this balance, I am realizing that it is the lesson-finding the balance.

Sometimes the scales tilt in the direction of one thing and sometimes in the direction of the other. This week I have had monumental moments related to stress eating and comfort food. After a particularly stressful event occured in my life on Monday with the residual effects and "clean up" on Tuesday, I found myself present with the desire to stress eat, despite the fact that I planned my lunch , had it ready to go, I was ready to bolt out the door and order a cheeseburger, fries and a soda from McDonald's, calculating the points in my head, I justified why I deserved that lunch and that I would "feel better" after consuming this meal. As I struggled with this inner dialogue, a single thought came into my mind. "The food is not going to make me feel better. It's just food" With this thought, I chose, to eat my planned lunch. Much happier, I might add and it tasted so good.

A similar challenged occured on Tuesday for dinner, when I attempted to justify the same meal for dinner, as I was "eating on the run" . LOL, Really twice in one day, I attempted to sabotage my goals to feed the frustration and emotion I was feeling in that moment. I once again, opted for something else, really enjoying the meal that I chose, instead of the "comfort food".

Food is used for so many reasons, celebration, grieving, connecting with others, the list goes on, and as I choose to look deeper into my connections with food, my reasons for eating, I am realizing that eating has been a barrier I've chosen to put up, out of fear. A fear of being rejected, a fear of not fitting in, a fear of being misunderstood, a fear of ... You get the point.

As I travel on this path, realizations and blessings present themselves to me in so many different ways. It's in choosing to walk with my eyes open. Listening to my insight, my divine inner voice where the changes come.

My walking continues to be steady, although I must admit, even though I got up to walk this morning, I used the lame excuse that I could not find a pair of socks, and didn't want to put the light on (to not awaken hubby) so I crawled back into bed, and slept for another hour. LOL, finding myself to be sluggish and irritated today. After work, I went to the Y, and did the elliptical, for 30 minutes, today it was a long hard 30 minutes. I feel better now.

As I mentioned earlier, glorious moments occur when my intention matches my action, but sometimes when my intention is weak, my actions take over supporting my long term goal, health. In these moments it takes me time to quiet the chatter and resistance in my mind, but so far in the end, I find that place of self pride and delight.

Blessing to all

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Awareness and Lessons

Hello Everyone!!! I Lost another 2.4lbs, this week!!!!!

I have a philosophy I have learned to live by, if I hear something once I pass it by, if I hear it twice, I pay attention, If I hear it 3 times, I really pay attention. This week I heard about a book, OK big surprise it was on Oprah, but being as though I work til 5pm I am not an avid follower of Oprah. So the 1st place I heard about the book was from a friend on facebook. The second random person who told be about this book, was my mother, and the 3rd person was one of my spiritual teachers. All within 24hours. So I took notice and I listened. The book I am speaking about is, Woman, Food and God by Gineen Roth. Her philosophy is that our eating habits are directly related to old patterns we have devoloped unresolved emotions, the stuff below the surface. So I bought the book.

She talks about choosing to lose weight and going through the motions only to gain the weight back again and again or choosing to lose the weight and facing the reasons you gained the weight in the 1st place. This is what I am choosing to do now. Loose the weight and learn to understand what makes me eat. Fear, boredom, lonliness, excitement, connection, anger, a feeling of isolation, when I am am not heard. I had a conversation with someone the other day, on a day when I knew I needed to talk, I needed to share a little bit of my story. As I spoke with this person, she asked me how much weight I lost this week, and I answered, then without even hearing me, she dove into her story, her struggle her stuff. As I stood back and observed this scene I was living, I realized a very blessed lesson in my life. Sometimes I eat, or want to eat when I don't feel heard. Sometimes when I have chosen someone to listen to, who isn't in a place to listen, I may get mad, or upset or sad or feel rejected, and to deal with those feelings, I learned to eat. This time was different, I felt my anger and my frustration for most of the day, but I stuck to my plan, I didn't eat something for the sake of eating, I felt my frustration, I acknowledged my frustration, and kept going. I did drink a lot of water that day. A step on my path towards a healthier life. Awareness of my Spirit. Awareness of my Soul, and how it connects with my body, and mind. How one simple repeated pattern or received replayed message can cause me or us to dive into a past pattern of action. So now I am thankful, that this person was sent into my world to not listen to me so I could see this very important part of myself.

One of the lessons I have been able to learn at a very early age, is to look at all situations, all events as a lesson to assist in my own personal growth, my life lessons. Sometimes it a lesson, and sometimes it's a test to see how well we learned the lesson. It's not always easy but when choosing to learn the lesson, and learning the lesson, the transformations of self leave an amazing feeling.

So thank you for listening, until next time...

Have Beautiful Days!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Follow Through....

Sitting down here tonight, I realize I never know what I am going to write until I sit down and start to type. Thank you all for your loving support and encouraging words. Some of you know this, but to other's I am very excited to once again share, that on Monday morning, my intention, an intention I have had for a very long time now actually happened. I am so delighted with myself I am still riding on the glory of my achievement. My intention was to get up and walk before work, I wanted to walk 2 miles, and on Monday morning at 6am, I was up, out of bed and on the walking path.

Follow Through! Follow through has been my mantra for this past week. Setting a goal and sticking to it, then following through with my intention and setting other goals to keep the flow steady and keep the river of my dreams moving.

When I look back, I think of the times I chose not to follow through with something, or I allowed someone else's words to "rent space in my head" choosing to change my intentions or my actions to better "fit in". It's amazing that I still see parts of this lesson at 37 years old, sometimes the lessons learned as a child follow us through our entire lives before we wake up to the realization, we can choose another way of thinking. That is what I am doing during this transition in my life, and now at least with todays post, telling my story about choosing me over choosing to fit in.

I think about my dear friend who had gastic bypass surgery, in talking to her after the surgery, she spoke about having to face her food issues, and physically not being able to choose to stress eat. On my journey, I am facing my stress eating issues, looking at them, identifying them and choosing to think, what else can I do instead of put this XYZ in my body. It's an amazing realization when something as simple as hanging out with friends turns into food fest 2010. When all I really wanted to do, was to connect with my friends and find out what's going on in their world.

What a wonderful journey this has become, I am grateful to be able to share my story.

Much love to all.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Accepting the way things are...

Happiness and Blessings to all you are reading this.

I have been here before, traveled down this path of weighloss and exercise, lost weight, gained weight, never really enjoyed exercise, that was always something I just did as part of the plan to lose my weight. So what makes this time different, this time in my life, what leads me to believe that this will stick. The answer is simple, this time more so than any other time in my life, I am doing this for me. I am not doing it so I look good in my wedding photo's, not doing it so Tori won't have a fat mommy, not doing it because everyone else in the office is doing it. I am traveling on this journey of weight loss and true self discovery, removing the layers of weight, the emotional scares, the patterns that I have developed because I am choosing to do this for myself. So many of us, each one of us inherently has a journey, a path to follow, maybe it is one of spiritual discovery, maybe it is one of self discovery, maybe it is one of stress reduction, or changing a relationship that you are not happy with, regardless of what the journey appears to be on the surface or in the physical plane, searching deeper, looking for the message behind what is seen, is where the lesson lies.

For me, it's learning what makes me eat, what makes me turn to food as a comfort, or for celebration, or for support. It's learning how to find that happiness, that inner peace in ways that support what is for my highest good and not turning to food because it's easy. Today Dave and I took my mom out for mother's day breakfast. I had requested to go to a certain restaurant because I knew they had a lighter breakfast option on the menu. I mentally rehearsed my selection and when we arrived, succeeded in ordering the healthy option on the menu. Dave did the same thing, and at one point in the meal, expressed how difficult is was to choose other than the cinnamon pancakes that were his usual. Changing patterns and changing choices, changing habits and changing outcomes, this is what this journey is all about for me.

So when I step on the scale one week and it doesn't move, or doesn't move much, I look around at what else happened that week, what else showed up that is a reflection of the work I have done. People are noticing how good I look and how much weight I have lost, their feedback feels good, because I too know how much dedication and commitment I have put into this change in my life. My clothes feel better.

And the most amazing transformation this week, a true gift to myself, is the joy I have found related to exercise. So many times in the past, I exercised because I had to, but this week, I found myself looking forward to the exercise, enjoying the journey on the elliptical trainer. So much so that when I missed the chance to work out for 2 days, my body really felt it. I felt tired, and out of sorts. Only after returning to my workout and feeling uplifted and energized did I realize the connection.

My daughter is supporting us in her own special way, by asking to go the the kidzone at the Y to play. She enjoys her time with the other kids at the Y, while Dave and I get a workout in. So as much of an individual journey that this is for me, it's a family journey as well.

So when I speak about accepting the way things are, I mean just that, accepting how I feel in any given moment, accepting myself no matter what the outcome, and being clear on my intention each day and each week as I keep the focus on my ultimate goal. I am learning how to celebrate differently, enjoying every little celebration, like choosing not to stop at the fast food restuarant for comfort food, or choosing the healthy breakfast over the pancakes, and noticing how wonderful my body feels because I didn't stuff it full of food.

For me right now, it's about food and choices and changing patterns, for other's it is different, I share my story with you because it's simple, and encouraging to know that anything is possible when we choose ourselves.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Journey to a Mini Me

Hello, and Welcome to my blog. I have never done this before, but figured now is as good a time as any to do something that scares me. Someone famous once said, "Do something everyday that scares you..." I believe this, and I believe in pushing the envelope. I started this journey to Mini Me about 9 months ago. At the time I was at a weight higher than I had ever been before, completely out of shape to the point that I couldn't even walk the length of the boardwalk in Virginia Beach without having to sit down or get winded. I was trying to control something I wanted that was out of my control. When I realized this, when I realized the only person who has control over what I wanted was God, I started thinking, what could I do, what can I control in my life that will help me feel better and help me change my focus. That's when I started, about a week after my beach vacation, I joined Weight Watchers with my husband, we started to exercise more, and now I am 58lbs lighter.

I still have a way to go, and already I am feeling the effects of my choices. My friend recently started a blog, and that's when the idea was 1st born in my mind, to share my journey with anyone who cares to listen. The support I have recieved so far from my friends and family has been amazing, not to mention the support from my fellow losers at my weekly meetings.

Along this journey, I have learned so many things about myself, I have had ah ha moments that have transformed and changed me, I have had breakdowns and breakthroughs, faced old habits and caved, faced old habits and succeeded. I have learned the power a donut has over me and the simple act of eating one can cause me to bing all day long, I have learned to say goodbye to the donut. LOL.

Each week when I face the scale, a simple mantra comes to my mind, "I have done everything I can, and my body will lose what it's ready to lose" ....

This weight loss journey has taught me about self forgiveness, loving the person I started at 60lbs ago and admiring her for facing her fears and doing what she had to do to face all odds.
Forgiveness when I step on the scale and stay the same or gain a little, because of the food choice I made during the week.

It's also taught me to appreciate the successes along the way, all the successes, every lb down and every size smaller. Doing a 5k on the elliptical trainer for the 1st time ever, wanting to go to the gym and enjoying the adrenaline that comes along with it.

I want to share what's in my heart,
I want to share what's on my mind,
I hope to encourage,
I hope to inspire,
I ask for compassion, and love and support.

Once again, Welcome to my blog, and Thanks for joining me.